Rules of Acquisition
by aviatrix8
Summary: When Renge suggests to the Host Club to cosplay as Star Trek characters, Kyoya finds some enlightening words to live by.


  
Copyright, Aviatrix8, 2008. Ouran High School Host Club and all related characters are property of their original creators, and are used without permission.

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Oddly enough, I'm not even a big Star Trek fan; this is just one of those weird story ideas that came to me, one day...

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Ouran High School Host Club:

"Rules of Acquisition"

by Avi

"Knowledge equals profit."  
_- Rule #74, Ferengi 'Rules of Acquisition'_

The Host Club was going over suggestions for their next cosplay, when their discussion was interrupted by high-pitched laughter... As Renge rose up on her mechanical platform, the dramatic effect was suddenly spoiled as the platform's mechanism malfunctioned, nearly shooting the fangirl into the Music Room's vaulted ceiling.

As the rest of the Host Club looked on in dismay, Renge managed to scramble down from her precariously perched position, and started to pitch her own cosplay suggestion to the club.

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"Star Trek? What's that?" asked Honey, with wide eyes.

"Isn't that that weird sci-fi series that foreign fans like to obsess over?" added Hikaru skeptically.

"Oh!" Haruhi's eyes lit up in recognition. "I remember now!" She looked thoughtful for a moment. "That's the old TV show about the crew of a spaceship that explores other planets... Isn't that right?" Renge nodded enthusiastically.

As Tamaki watched Haruhi's thoughtful expression, he suddenly found himself warming to Renge's cosplay suggestion.

"Ah! I remember that show, too!" he exclaimed, taking the opportunity to clasp Haruhi's hands. "They would show it in France, sometimes... And I know the perfect roles each of us should play!"

He made sweeping gesture towards Mori and Honey. "Mori should be the Security Officer, a strong, silent alien that speaks with his fists... While Honey can play the brilliant child prodigy, beloved by all the crew!"

While Mori and Honey looked at each other, bewildered, Tamaki turned his attention to Hikaru and Kaoru.

"The twins can play the villains... A sinister pair of cybernetic aliens, all dressed in black; intent on assimilating all of races of the universe, and turning them into cyborgs like themselves!"

The twins pointed at themselves. "Sinister? Us?" they said, at the same time.

Tamaki then placed his hands on Haruhi's shoulders. "Haruhi can be the ship's doctor... A sweet, sensitive woman who tends to the crew's wounds with tender loving care..." Haruhi blinked in surprise.

"As for myself..." began Tamaki, placing a hand on his chest dramatically, "I shall play the ship's Captain; a charismatic man who has a way with women, both human and alien." He flipped his hair with a smile. "And Kyoya can be my second-in-command; a calm, collected alien who solves all problems with his cold logic."

"No way!" exclaimed Renge, causing Tamaki's flowery descriptions to come to a screeching halt. "Kyoya should play a Ferengi!"

Tamaki's brow furrowed. "Fe-ren-gi?" he pronounced slowly. "What's that?"

"And you say you've watched the show!" snapped Renge. She whipped out a fan magazine, from nowhere. "_This_ is a Ferengi!"

As Tamaki crouched to get a better look at the magazine, the other Host Club members gathered around him to stare at it, as well (with the exception of Kyoya, who had been writing on his clipboard in the background, the whole time). Tamaki then frowned.

"That alien is not very attractive... I don't think that would suit Kyoya at all," said Tamaki, critically.

At this, Kyoya levelled a cold gaze at the others. "What are you saying about me?" he asked icily, as Tamaki began to sweat.

"I'm not saying that they look alike," explained Renge, in exasperation. "Kyoya resembles the Ferengi in other ways." She flicked through the magazine.

"You see, the Ferengi's society revolves around business and profit... In fact, their whole society is based upon the 'Rules of Acquisition', a list of over 280 rules that explain how they should conduct their business... And even live out their own lives."

Finding the page she was looking for, she displayed it to the rest of the Host Club. The club members stared at it.

The list was long... Very long. It dictated business practices that were pretty shady by normal standards... And the word 'profit' showed up _a lot_.

The club stared at the list, then at Kyoya (who was still standing by himself, writing), then at the list again... Then, they all nodded.

"That describes Kyoya to a tee, all right."

"Yep."

"Uh-huh."

"No question."

"Right."

Suddenly, the magazine was snatched out of Renge's hands... The rest of the Host Club could only watch in horror as Kyoya then scanned the magazine article with avid curiosity.

"Interesting," he commented, as his eyes ran down the list. Then, after tucking the magazine onto his clipboard, he strolled away.

"Hey!" exclaimed Renge. "That was a Collector's Edition!" She made to run after Kyoya, but was stopped as Mori lifted her off the ground.

"I don't think that's such a good idea..." Tamaki said, rather worried, as Renge struggled fruitlessly in Mori's strong grip.

Haruhi glanced around at the frightened faces of the remaining Host Club members, and her brow furrowed.

"What are you guys so concerned about? It's just a list... It's not a big deal if Kyoya takes it, right?"

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed Hikaru. "Did you take a look at that list? It's horrible!"

"Scary!" agreed Honey, who was gripping Mori's leg.

"With a list like that, who knows what Kyoya will make us do?" added Kaoru. The twins clutched each other in fright.

Haruhi shook her head. "You guys are exaggerating, right? Kyoya might have his faults, but he wouldn't take such questionable business practices to heart..." She then paused.

"Um... Would he?"

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As he left the rest of the Host Club in disarray behind him, Kyoya pushed his glasses atop of his nose, letting the light gleam off the lenses.

"Very interesting, indeed," he murmured to himself, as he read the magazine article again, and chuckled.

END (?)

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For the record, here are the Star Trek characters each Host Club member was supposed to play (most of them are from Next Generation, but the last two are from the original series):

Mori - Lt. Worf  
Honey - Wesley Crusher  
Hikaru & Kaoru - Borg  
Haruhi - Dr. Beverly Crusher  
Tamaki - Capt. Kirk  
Kyoya - Spock

I may continue this story with Kyoya-centric vignettes inspired by the various "Rules of Acquisition", but since I'm not the most consistent of writers, I wouldn't bet on it. / (Not to mention that although the actual "rules" don't exactly number over 280 as stated above, there is still no way I'd be able to do drabbles for all of them. XP)

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End file.
